I looked for my tennis shoes yesterday. I couldn't find them. I thought to myself, "hmmmm, when did I see them last?"
And I couldn't answer the question.
For nearly 10 years, those shoes were on my feet more than any other pair. I wouldn't go a day without wearing them, using them, and letting them be my steady friend of stability and predictability.
Then 2015/2016 happened and I don't even know where they are today.
Even worse, I think I threw them away the other day. I came across a pair of tennies (ya , you heard that right, I came across a pair) a week or so ago and thought they were my way old pair and tossed them.
I vaguely remember this.
Yep, that's how bad it has gotten...I vaguely remember throwing my apparently unrecognizable pair of tennis shoes away.
What has happened to me and how have I drifted so off course when it comes to this area of my life...an area I thought was embedded to the very core of my existence.
Two weeks ago, I went looking for my Bible. I couldn't find it.
I thought, "hmmmmm, when was the last time I saw it?"
I couldn't answer that question either.
I had no recollection of where my Bible could possibly be.
Thankfully, I had no memories of throwing it away, but the pit in my stomach was just the same.
This wasn't the first time I'd wondered where my Bible was over this last year. In fact, it's almost every Sunday.
I bought a computer 3 months ago. Today is my second time to open it. I left it at Walmart for 10 days after delivery before I even went to pick it up.
I left it in the box in my kitchen for nearly a month before I opened it.
I bought it because my mac was officially dying. I couldn't write/blog anymore because it wasn't compatible to blogger, which was fine, because as my life became hijacked by good, glorious stuff in 2016, I stopped reading, running, and writing...the 3 R's of my life.
And as I've watched the "shore of Shelly" drift away over the last year, I've desperately wanted to throw the anchor overboard and stop it from happening, but I couldn't.
I mean, I just never could.
I'm not sure why.
I guess I don't do well with change...or maybe I'm just lazy...or maybe it's life and seasons as you age hijack your simple life routines...or maybe I'm allowing myself to get blown by the winds of change and it's too much work to lift the anchor and throw it overboard.
I'm really not sure. It's probably all of that combined.
In the end, it doesn't really matter why. It happens and as we drift and even watch ourselves do so, somehow we've gotta throw that anchor overboard and stop ourselves before we are too far from the shore and all but convince ourselves we can't find our anchor.
The voice inside my head has gone from whispering to screaming to throw the anchor over, and today is the first day I listened to it.
I found my Bible, I went to DSW and bought a pair of running shoes, drove to Starbucks and began to write.
I'm throwing my anchor over.
For about 6 months I felt so guilty with my drifting that I just listened to the guilt.
The next 6 months, I ignored the guilt but listened to the shame...how I'd lost credibility and can't even remember how to do it. You can barely walk, you don't even remember how to read, and you have nothing to say because you've become a bump on a log.
Today, as I nestled in my house that now FEELS like home, the voice came back and said get up, no more drifting, and go find the shore once more.
We're working our way through Hebrews at church and it's been one of the best sermon series I've listened to...maybe because it was the only time I was really listening to God's voice.
Hebrews is rich and deep and convicting.
In Hebrews 2, it warns us about drifting away...
Ever since reading that on a Sunday over 2 months ago, I've had the picture of the little boat I'm in and how I've let myself drift...so. far. away.
Wen my world came crashing down, the disciplines of healthy living became the anchor to keep me rooted, grounded, and close to shore.
But this time, when life got busy with gloriously fun and joyous things, I let go of the disciplines and let myself drift.
I long for the predictably, sometimes boring, simple disciplines of life that keep one rooted to something bigger, deeper, truer than anything life has to offer.
I miss the secret place of God's goodness.
I miss the flow of His sweet whisper as I write and seeing His truth as I flesh things out.
I miss wrestling with Him as I jog and listening to His grace as I walk and the feeling of my heart beating wildly as I do so.
I miss the shore and what it has to offer. The peace that sure footing brings. The refuge from the storms. The beauty of listening to the waves but not being shaken by them.
To sit on the sand, watching the sun rise and set and knowing that you are right where you belong.
Today, as the voice became so loud I couldn't ignore, I asked myself, "how do you get back?"
Where is my anchor?
And I put on my teacher voice and answered my question just as I would answer my students.
Start with what you know.
Start with what you know Shelly.
"You have taken account of my wanderings...this I know, that God is for me...In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid..." (Psalm 56)
"How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which you have have wrought for those who take refuge in You, before the sons of men.
You hide them in the secret place of Your presence from the conspiracies of man; You keep them secretly in a shelter from the strife of tongues.
Blessed be the Lord, for He has made marvelous His lovingkindness to me in a besieged city.
As for me, I said in my alarm, "I am cut off from before Your eyes",
Nevertheless You heard the voice of my supplications when I cried to You.
O love the Lord, all you His godly ones!
The Lord preserves the faithful and fully recompenses the proud doer.
Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the Lord." (Psalm 31)
Have you been drifting?
Do you feel so far from shore that you feel like you could never make it back again?
Have you lost your anchor?
Well, start with what you know.
God is for you.
It's as simple as that.
Exit the drifting boat and know, God will guide you back.
In Him,
Shelly
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