Most of my adult life has been me searching for "my home".
During college, I loved coming home...there was a security found in those walls, in my bedroom, and on that couch. Much of it was because of who resided there; my mom and dad brought me immense security.
When life was difficult and unsure in my twenties, their home was my refuge. It was where I felt okay, calm, and safe.
But then, I lost my mom and part of that went away. My home was still my solid ground, but when life moved on and my divorce was finalized and my dad was getting remarried, my “home”, my safe haven was taken, it vanished and was no more.
Where was my home going to be now? Where could I go to feel safe and secure? Where could I go that allowed me to breathe and truly find peace amongst any storm?
And so my journey began...I needed to find a place I could trust, a place that removed the angst, the fear, and the uncertainty life brings. I needed my safe haven.
A few years back, I had a friend ask me how I could trust God when, even though I prayed, bad things still happened.
"How can you trust something that still allows hurt?"
It was the same quandary I lived in for years...and by years I mean, almost my entire life...until I had figured out where my home truly was and the only thing I could really trust.
What if my refuge, my safe place, my trust wasn’t in something that was temporal?
What if my home wasn’t somewhere that could die, be sold, or could turn and walk away?
Anxiety and fear are rooted in insecurity. I don’t know what comes first, the fear, or the tragedy that sparks the fear and insecurity. Either way, they will both be birthed in our lives in one form or another, and we will deal with them in one form or another.
We will try our best to create a refuge to bring about this security we long for.
Whether it’s in parents or marriage, in kids, our independence, or an abundance of things...we long for a place to feel safe and to breathe, so we build our tents of security.
Unfortunately all we can build are tents, structures that get easily knocked down when storms come.
Inevitably, our security is placed in earthly things that will be destroyed.
There isn’t one place we can make our home that is safe here on earth.
It will all fail. Nothing here is faithful till the end.
It falls, it stumbles, it hurts, it gets sick, and it all eventually dies...
So, as I searched and as I’ve wandered, wondered, and pondered through these last several years of being on my own looking for my home, I’ve finally figured out where it is and where it must be...
It’s with God.
I know, it’s the Sunday school answer of “Jesus!” but for nearly 38 years, that’s all it was to me...just an answer I said, never the truth in my life.
The Psalmist must've struggled to find his home as well. As he faced the storms, he eventually concluded this same truth.
And the kiss of God's amazing grace for me today is, as I wrote and pondered these things and words of mine nearly 2 weeks ago, He had me re-find and reread Psalm 46 today.
It was one of my mom's favorites. I've read it countless times over the years, but not really with this context of searching for home. And as I read it today, the flood of a new perspective fell upon it, and I began to tear up.
For, something she embedded in me years and years ago, has now grown into a truth in my life..."Be still and know that I am God."
Just like the Psalmist, she too had found her refuge in the storms, and her testimony and walk continues to impact mine.
Through time, those words have gradually moved from my head down to my heart, but on this rainy, dreary morning, I believe God has set them deep within my soul.
It wasn't until I lost "my home", that her words to me could help me find where my home truly is.
People, only a good, good God could bring that kind of beauty from ashes.
God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge
A river brings joy to the city of our God,
the sacred home of the Most High.
God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
From the very break of day, God will protect it.
The nations are in chaos,
and their kingdoms crumble!
God’s voice thunders,
and the earth melts!
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.
Come, see the glorious works of the Lord:
See how He brings destruction upon the world.
He causes wars to end throughout the earth.
He breaks the bow and snaps the spear;
He burns the shields with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.
Psalm 46
I’ve said it before, I’m a girl who likes to have arrived, and to no longer have to strive and fight and work.
I want to cross the finish line and just sit on the other side and bask in the hammock of completed, but that’s not how life works.
Tomorrow comes. It always does.
One must get up once more and face what another day has for us, and if it’s a day on this earth, anything can await us. Both the incredible and the tragic. It can be what we never could have dreamed of and it could be what only our nightmares contain.
We must get up and fight our way through it, live into it, praise God for it, pray God carries us through it and all of that takes divine intervention for us to rise up and carry on. There is no other way.
After a long hard day, physically, emotionally, mentally, all I want to do is find my safe place where my mind can rest, my heart can remember, and my body can breathe. I want my exit to safety, to peace.
And after searching for home for nearly 38 years, the only place I’ve ever found it to truly be, is with Jesus.
No marriage, no mom or dad, no house, no job, no independent spirit, no determination to succeed, no pursuit in life will provide a permanent place to reside and be completely safe to breathe, to surrender, to just be.
Only God speaks life, speaks assurance, speaks love, and provides the grace and hope this life requires.
All we have to do is get up again, and go where He has set for us, and know that at the end of the day, during the day, and every moment in between, we have a home with Him and He’s made His home in us.
"When we've given up
Let your healing come
When there's nothing left
Let your healing come
Till we're rising up
Let your healing come
Where you go, we will follow." (David Crowder)
This I know, God is for you.
Shelly
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