Sunday, June 22, 2014

Being Irreplaceable...

I haven't written in months. I'm not sure I know how to anymore...

When I woke this morning, I knew that I couldn't end the day without writing. I don't know why, but I feel like I will have walked away from something if I don't.

So, here I am.

Lord, here I am.

I awoke at 6:39 with thoughts of death. Not the scary kind...more the reminiscing kind.

I had one major thought amongst all the little ones. It was how much I would miss certain people if I were gone. Those I have and even those I hope for.

I immediately thought of a conversation my mom and I had before she died.

See, she knew her death was imminent. We had a handful of conversations about it...about life without her.

This particular one took place in my parents' living room, on the couch. She told me she was going to miss being my mom, that she hated how I wouldn't have one anymore, and she even worried that someone would replace her in that role someday.

I assured her that was impossible. Her role was filled, and she was irreplaceable.

I laid there, on my pillow, having the thoughts of how no matter what happens, life continues on, but our hearts long to be irreplaceable.

My deepest longing is to not only be known, but to be sought and cherished, to be longed for, and to be someone that can't be replaced.

I want to be someone's favorite.

I want to be someone's favorite.

And honestly, I'm not sure that's a terrific desire to have or even a healthy one. I do know it gets me stuck a whole lot in my life and even causes me to stare at this screen for an exhaustive amount of time not knowing what to write next.

As I continued to lay in my bed and think, I wondered why I was remembering those conversations with my mom and then it hit me...she died 6 years ago this coming Friday.

I can't remember if I told her that day on the couch how much I would miss her.

I really hope I did.

But, I'm afraid I couldn't really go there in my mind, and I so wanted to comfort her by not getting upset. But I hope she knew...losing her would leave a void in my life that impacts me daily.

She was one person I knew I was her favorite...daughter that is...but that was enough to be.

We are a "get over it" society and I am certainly a "get over it" kind of girl, but somedays one must stop, reminisce, and remember.

I remember her...her soft hands, her constant pursuit of me, her love for Cade, her easy laugh, her flautas and lasagna, her prayers, her driving, her inability to say "fifth", her endless list of friendships, her love of shopping and buying, and I remember how she made me feel special, valued, cherished, irreplaceable...I remember how I was her favorite.

I remember daily just how irreplaceable she really is.

It's a beautiful memory and I'm so grateful that God's grace is deep enough that I have that to remember, but I'm also deeply thankful for the gift of knowing one day, I will sit with her again.

In Him,