As we were driving one day, Cade turned to me and said, "I wish you would get married again. I want a step dad."
Me, "You do?!" amongst my laughter.
C, "Mom, are you trying? I mean, are you REALLY trying?"
Me - "I LOVE YOU!" as I was thinking "When did you become my Jewish mother?"
Being single, and being one who
And, honestly, I don't mind it. I like that people think I should/could get married again...that it isn't a far fetched dream that I really am "just a girl...standing in front of a boy...asking him to love her." (Gosh, I need to rent that movie tonight. Oh wait, I CAN'T! Seriously, what can we do about this situation? Protest? hit the streets with picket signs? get Sen. Ted Cruz to add 'the shutting down Blockbuster' to his list of things to repeal?!?!)
For me, loneliness is like grief: it comes in waves.
Some days you are kicking butt, taking names, and loving everything about that, and then the next, you are in the fetal position, eating ice cream from the carton, wishing the couple next to you would share their $10 popcorn because this movie is just. so. sad.
Loneliness truly is a funny thing...and by funny I mean that monster that makes you want to scream and vomit at the same time.
But, I think it follows all of us.
Whether we are married or not, have children or not, whether we are old and grey or young and wrinkle and bone creaking free.
Loneliness, like grief, is part of life.
Why? one of sane emotional status might ask.
I'm not sure.
Honestly, I'm not sure of the point.
I don't like problems that can't be solved. I mean, what's the point of a problem, if it can't be solved!!
That's why life, relationships, love, family, poetry, riddles, etc... are complicated, irritating, and hard for me to grasp.
That's also how I know marriage won't solve my loneliness. For one, I've been married, and I was lonelier then than I am now. A healthy one can/will fill a hole that only a good marriage can fill, but there's other holes present, and even a healthy marriage can create a few more, so I'm not looking to get married to solve anything.
So, when my "jewish mother" says, "Mom, why don't you do that "Christian Meet" thing, my answer is always, "Um, you mean Christian Mingle...ya, that's not for me."
After I giggle and hug him and tell him I'm so glad he's looking out for me, I go into my 30 minute monologue on how I'm not looking to solve my lack of marriage and I'm certainly not looking for crazies and I seem to believe out of 20 people on those sites, you might have 1 normal, and if I'm going to get married again, I'm looking for normal.
So, until there's a site called, www.PleaseGod,I'mjustlookingforanormalguywholovesJesus,life,is6fttall,honestandnotcrazy.com - I'm just not interested in turning to the interwebs to find my dude.
If I were younger, braver, and without child, I might do it as an experiment on all things quirky about humanity, but since I'm none of those things, I'm sticking with natural protocol.
Girl marries, gets heartbroken, then divorced, Begs God for another chance at love, waits umpteen billion years, and then waits some more, goes to Starbucks, eavesdrops on a boatload of conversations, lives her life, goes on one adventure after another, reaches a mountaintop, walks through a valley, and then looks up one day, God steps in and says, "Shelly, meet Tall, Dark and Handsome. Tall, Dark and Handsome, meet Shelly."
And, I'm not sure when that day will occur.
It might not ever.
And, honestly, as much as I'm not okay with that, I am okay with that.
Because my "way" would be one of looking for something to fix or solve this problem, and that's not what I need, that's not what life or love is about.
Loneliness, just like grief, can't be fixed. Not being married or finding love isn't a problem to solve.
Love is like a cool breeze found on a vista created not by human hands, it is the poetry created from the depths of a heart willing to walk through the fire on behalf of another.
Sitting at the LoveDoes conference, I had many Epiphanies...MANY moments with God speaking into my heart.
One was while Jon Acuff was speaking. I don't remember what he said exactly, but what I wrote was:
I often try to redeem something instead of letting and allowing God to do it.
I try and redeem instead of acknowledging that God is the Redeemer.
I can try all I want to redeem love in my life...to redeem marriage...to redeem time, my mistakes, my flippancy, my regret, my choices, my sin, my messed up plans
but it won't work.
I'm on a hamster wheel when I try and redeem any of that.
I don't have the power, the wisdom, the know how, nor the capacity to redeem.
I wasn't made to redeem my mistakes. See, my mode of redemption is to fix something, but our lives aren't meant to be fixed.
They were meant to be redeemed.
And I was made to turn and acknowledge THE REDEEMER and bask in the grace of being one He sees worthy of redemption...not fixed, not solved, but redeemed.
I love the story of Ruth, and you know what, God used her "Jewish mother" to bring about her Tall, Dark and Handsome as part of her redemption story.
"My daughter, shall I not seek security for you, that it may be well with you?"
She too spurred Ruth on to try...to REALLY try:
"Wash yourself therefore, and anoint yourself and put on your best clothes, and go down to the threshing floor."
My 10 year old version is spurring me on to 'go down to the Christian Mingle', which I am not saying to him, "All that you say I will do."
but, I am trying to live life, let go of thinking that anything in this life will solve a "problem" I may or may not have, and trust in my Redeemer, who orchestrates and moves in His time, in His ways, and remember that all things work out for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes.
And even though a Tall, Dark and Handsome was part of Ruth's redemption story, more importantly, God was out to redeem her and her family.
I do find it interesting how Naomi's closest relative was willing to redeem the land and even Naomi, but once Ruth entered the picture, the deal was off.
Elimelech could have fixed the problem Naomi had, but it took Boaz to redeem it...to truly redeem it in ways only God had planned, that only His story could include.
God's redemptive plan restored life, blessed all, sustained and provided the Saving grace.
I have to say, THAT'S worth waiting for...that's worth LIVING in...that's worth acknowledging and letting happen.
Have a great Saturday!
Disclaimers: I know several people who have met their Tall, Dark and Handsome via the interwebs. They are happily married and none are crazier than the rest of us. I mean no offense to any of you...you have more courage than this girl who, in all honesty, just doesn't want to be rejected by more men on more mediums.